Coding note: I am pleased to say, this post reveals some html tips I have picked up in my magnificent new career, including smarter use of div tags and css styling of classes (i.e. floated images (yes!)).
I'm sitting at a cafe on the water where I've been finishing up Goldie Hawn's autobiography this morning, a deep diving operation in search of the secret to her great hair. Turns out them lovelylocks is just natural (can't save us all our troubles, Goldie), but the value of her musings stretches far beyond vanity and a great baby name. I have long revered Goldie, albeit from a superficial distance, as someone who had a genuine twinkle that looked like it came a little more naturally and fully-realized than my own. She exemplifies joviality, not taking herself too seriously and, as my luck would have it, her book imparts some precious disclosures - secrets of a seasoned optimist whose struggles and thoughts pepper 450 pages of influentially principled judgement for me to soak up. I'm not just reading her book. I've taken notes.
Life's too short. It's too short to realize I've lived thirty years without taking ownership over my version of reality. It's too short to guilt-trip through 10 hours of Making A Murderer or sulk over my inability to jet-set to Costa Rica without a credit card statement just yet. Yet I do it. And I worry. I worry I will never stick with something long enough to have a level of expertise that could fund a life not lived paycheck to paycheck. I worry I will never be able to satiate my appetite for adventure. I worry I work for the weekends. I worry if I dress too girly, that no one will take me seriously, yet I worry I squander my youth when I don't dress it up well and then worry that vanity will rob me of joy as I age.
I have always found plenty to concern myself with in deeply plowed neural dead ends, reinforced each time my mind is snowed in by cold thoughts. I can get so preoccupied with doing it right that I easily miss the point - that nothing's "right" if you don't enjoy it.
I recently found myself losing enthusiasm for my life outside of work. When I got home, I was beginning to feel tired and empty, like I had lost my charm. Maybe a change of scene would help, but my car died and I could not afford it. Travel was not in the cards. When winter break came around, I spent the 12 days just looping through a vortex of frustration for wasted time. Because, obviously, when you're circling your existential doom like an emaciated vulture, wrapping that soul-sucking melancholy around you like a blanket is just the ticket, Smeagol.
For me, the takeaway is affirmation that no one is perfectly happy all the time, not even gorgeous, giggling Goldie Hawn. Before reading this, I felt I had begun to turn irreversibly feral (and relentlessly hyperbolic). The lesson I've valued most is that it is always up to me to cultivate the inspiration to keep my head up and seek new interests because I will never be a finished product. There will always be more to do - Learn French, get better at meditating, speak only of others in a positive light, continue to sing, become the Gumby of yoga - and new opportunities will present themselves. I can serve the world through my existence if I remember life is full of wonder and we are here to feel it.
When I got up to refill my coffee, I left my book as a place holder. I came back to find it shat upon by a bird whose diet must currently be some sort of disastrous liquid fast. It just goes to show that you will get a splash of nastiness from time to time, but how quickly it dries with just a little care and sunshine.